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The venerable Christmas carol, once the domain of the charitable and the merry has now been forever tainted by the stench of the rotting and the cadaverous. The results could be called sacrilegious, offensive, and in bad taste. They could be called that, but not by me. I find them hilarious and chances are, if you’re reading this, you will to.

Author Michael P. Spradlin has taken thirty of the most beloved carols and popular Christmas related tunes and has changed the words to reflect the ever growing Undead American point of view. Luckily zombies are atheists (who knew?) and decided to skip the traditional, Christian Christmas songs like “Silent Night”, “O Come All Ye Faithful” and the like. A wise choice as no one needs the image of baby zombie Jesus eating brains in the manger. Oh wait, forget I said that.

INGREDIENTS

· 1 (18 ounce) jar prepared mincemeat pie filling

· 1 1/2 cups chopped hickory nuts

· 2 apple – peeled, cored, and chopped

· 1 1/2 cup packed brown sugar

· 1/4 cup rum

· 1 tablespoon lemon juice

· 1 recipe pastry for a 9 inch double crust pie

· 2 pounds of fresh brains pureed

DIRECTIONS

1. Combine mincemeat, walnuts, apples, brown sugar, lemon juice in a bowl. Mix well. Cover and refrigerate overnight. Drink the rum.

2. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C).

3. Take filling out of refrigerator and let come to room temperature. Prepare crusts. Stir filling well and pour into shell. Top with full crust and make slits or make a lattice top. Crimp edges.

4. Bake in preheated oven on low shelf for 40 minutes or until golden brown.

5. Throw pie at Zombies when they attack and run while they are distracted by the fresh brains in the pie.

Remember: Zombies are unable to metabolize any ingredients except fresh brains.

Bon appetite!

INGREDIENTS

2 pounds Fresh Brains pureed
5 cups frozen cranberries
2 cups pecans
1-1/2 cup white sugar
2 eggs
1 cup white sugar
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup butter, melted
2 tablespoons milk

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Generously grease a 2 quart rectangular baking dish.
Spread the cranberries evenly over the bottom of the baking dish, and sprinkle the pecans over the cranberries. Spoon 1 cup of sugar over the cranberries and pecans.

Place the eggs into the work bowl of an electric mixer, and beat on high speed about 1 minute, until the eggs are foamy. Beat in 1 cup of sugar, the flour, melted butter, and milk, and beat on Low until just mixed. The batter will be thick. Spread the batter evenly over the cranberry-pecan mixture.
Bake for 30 minutes.

Throw out finished cake and feed brains to Zombies! Serves one.

Buy the book. Christmas will be better and you know it.

A family of four eating dinner. It’s Christmas Eve. Suddenly, a slow, tortured knock at the door echoes through the house. Little Jimmy bounds up from the table. Gus, the loyal and protective family dog, runs after him.

“I’ve got it,” yells Jimmy.

“Hold it right there Mister,” yells the father. Jimmy stops, and Gus moves between Jimmy and the door and begins a low growl. Another knock echoes through the house.

Both parents set down their forks, stand and head to the pantry. Each parent emerges with a sawed-off shotgun.

Through the door, the beginnings or middle of a song can be heard.

I saw mommy chewing Santa…

“Lock and load people,” screams the mom.

“Aww, mom, they can’t get in through the reinforced windows…” says Jimmy. “Can’t we just listen?”

“You’ll be a good little boy and flush them out into the yard with your slingshot. And you’ll do it in 7 second intervals so mommy and daddy can get good, clean head shots, or Santa might not be happy with you.